Executive Overreaches, Ego Trips, and Energy “Solutions” That Smell Like Coal Dust
Hey babes,
Welcome back to Snark & Sabotage, where we sip tea, spill facts, and torch fascism with the flaming hot truth. This week, The Don signed ELEVEN executive orders — which is adorable if you pretend he’s just playing President in a fake Oval Office. Unfortunately, these orders are real, and so is the danger. Let’s dive in before we’re all deported for buying low-flow showerheads.
💧1. “Let Them Blast” – Showerheads Edition
Order: Maintaining Acceptable Water Pressure in Showerheads
Trump’s Vibe: “I don’t care if the planet’s on fire, I want my hair helmet FLUFFY.”
Why It’s Trash: Trump literally signed an EO so your shower can drown you again. Conservation? Climate crisis? Nah. He’s fighting the tyranny of gentle rinsing.
Snark Level: Marie Antoinette with a loofah.
🪨2. Coal is the New Black?
Order: Reinvigorating America’s Beautiful Clean Coal Industry
Trump’s Vibe: “Let’s revive an industry that’s already been buried in the ground — like facts.”
Why It’s Trash: Spoiler: clean coal isn’t real. It’s the unicorn of fossil fuels. This EO pumps public dollars into a dying industry, all to impress coal barons who still use AOL email.
Snark Level: Grave robbing but make it economic policy.
⚡️3. Electric Grid Power Grab
Order: Strengthening the Reliability and Security of the U.S. Electric Grid
Trump’s Vibe: “What if we made the grid more secure — but also more fascist?”
Why It’s Trash: Sounds good until you realize “security” means giving the feds new powers to snoop, seize, and sidestep state protections. Big Brother’s got a power strip now.
Snark Level: Alexa, report this post to Homeland Security.
🛢️4. States’ Rights? Never Heard of Her.
Order: Protecting American Energy from State Overreach
Trump’s Vibe: “I hate federalism unless I can use it to crush liberal governors.”
Why It’s Trash: This EO blocks states from regulating their own energy industries. You wanted to limit oil drilling in your state? Too bad, hippie — Daddy Don knows best.
Snark Level: Fracking with your freedoms.
🧮5. “Zero-Based Regulatory Budgeting” AKA Yeeting All Rules
Order: To Unleash American Energy (lol)
Trump’s Vibe: “What if every regulation was illegal unless I say so?”
Why It’s Trash: Every agency has to start from zero and justify regulations that keep us alive. It’s like telling your lungs to prove they deserve oxygen each morning.
Snark Level: Spreadsheet fascism.
⚖️6. Executive Order Targeting… a Law Firm?!
Order: Addressing Risks from Susman Godfrey
Trump’s Vibe: “I’m mad at lawyers again, and this one used big words.”
Why It’s Trash: He literally signed an EO targeting a private law firm. Dictators gonna dictate, but this smells like executive intimidation of the legal system.
Snark Level: Courtroom Karen.
💣7. Fast-Tracked Arms Sales—Because What Could Go Wrong?
Order: Reforming Foreign Defense Sales
Trump’s Vibe: “Let’s get more guns to more people, faster!”
Why It’s Trash: This is like Amazon Prime for weapons of war, with less oversight. It’s a human rights disaster waiting to happen — but hey, at least Raytheon’s stock will rise.
Snark Level: Weapons of Mass Dysfunction.
📉8. Deregulate Everything, Who Needs Rules Anyway?
Order: Reducing Anti-Competitive Regulatory Barriers
Trump’s Vibe: “What if capitalism… but unhinged?”
Why It’s Trash: If you liked the 2008 collapse, you’ll love this. It’s a love letter to monopolies and a death threat to consumer protections.
Snark Level: Monopoly but every square is “Go to Jail.”
🚢9. Return of the Sea Bros
Order: Restoring America’s Maritime Dominance
Trump’s Vibe: “Let’s cosplay the British Empire!”
Why It’s Trash: Reviving old naval laws + funneling money to the defense industrial complex = more money for wars, less for schools. Ahoy, militarism!
Snark Level: Navy SEALs meets yacht club fascism.
🛒10. Trade Tantrum Redux
Order: Modifying Reciprocal Tariff Rates
Trump’s Vibe: “If they raise tariffs, I’ll raise mine higher—like a toddler flipping a Monopoly board.”
Why It’s Trash: Trade wars = higher prices for you. Trump loves tariffs the way I love coffee: dangerously and without limits.
Snark Level: Economic self-harm but patriotic.
🔧11. Defense Contracts, but Make it Crony Capitalism
Order: Modernizing Defense Acquisitions
Trump’s Vibe: “Let’s speed up military spending—no pesky transparency required!”
Why It’s Trash: This order lets Trump fast-track defense deals with fewer checks. Translation: more grift, more war, less accountability.
Snark Level: Dick Cheney’s vision board.
💅 Final Thoughts from Resistance HQ
Eleven executive orders in one week — and not one that helps working families, supports democracy, or protects human rights. Just showers, coal, and guns. Classic fascist energy.
So light a candle (because your electric grid might fail), slap on some war paint (eco-friendly, obvi), and call your reps.
🐾 Resistance Kitty says:
“He signs orders. We organize.”
