Week 18 Executive Order Summary

Trump Goes Nuclear (Literally)

Well folks, if you were hoping for a quiet week, the regime had other plans. Trump signed five—count ’em, FIVE—executive orders in one day, and spoiler alert: they’re all about nukes and rewriting science policy to suit his fantasyland. Because nothing says “stable leadership” like hyper-speed nuclear expansion and a war on peer review.

Let’s break it down before we all start glowing in the dark.

💣 The Trump Doctrine: Glow Hard or Glow Home

Streamline the NRC

Trump just told the Nuclear Regulatory Commission to fast-track licenses for new reactors. No more “pesky safety reviews,” just a quick 18-month rubber stamp so we can plug AI servers straight into radioactive hellfire.

Nukes for National Security

New reactors on federal lands, powering military bases and “critical infrastructure.” Because clearly what our troops need is a little uranium-flavored PTSD with their morning briefing.

DOE = Department of Explosions

The Department of Energy is now your one-stop shop for experimental nuclear reactors. Trump’s plan? “Just test it and see what happens!” What could go wrong?

Fuel the Fire (Literally)

He’s also ramping up uranium mining and fuel processing. You know, the stuff we used to regulate because radiation kills people. But hey, why not re-open the mines, screw the environment, and pretend this is job creation?

Gold Standard Science, Trump Style

This one’s rich. Trump wants to “restore” scientific integrity by demanding reproducibility and “freedom from bias.” From the guy who thinks Sharpie-edited hurricane maps are peer-reviewed data. Y’all, this is like putting the Flat Earth Society in charge of NASA.

TL;DR: Trump’s nuclear wet dream is officially underway. He’s steamrolling safety, gagging science, and handing out radioactive toys like Halloween candy.

If you live near a federal facility or a national lab, maybe invest in a Geiger counter. Or a bunker.